This watch I’m scoring all the characters based on whether or not they’d make good college professors.
- Jason Statham – Imagine it’s 8AM, you’re still waking up for the first class of the day, and you have to try and understand Jason Statham as he describes something that will most likely end up on the test. Now imagine asking him to repeat himself when you don’t understand what he just said.
The only positive aspect of him being a teacher would be the entertainment value of trying to piece together his private life based on the random shreds of info he occasionally lets slip. The current theory floating around campus is that the events of the movie Face/Off actually happened to him.
You’d be lucky to get a syllabus at all. (3/10)
- Suyin – She is the most organized and communicative professor you will ever have. Even years after graduation you get a warm feeling inside when you think about her. However her syllabus borders on manifesto length, and all of it will be on the test. Be prepared to learn from the second you enter the classroom, all the way to the last day of the semester.
Her office is full of family photos, and she’s not afraid of reprimanding you and your schoolwork in front of her daughter. (8/10)
- Morris – One of your favorite community college professors, but probably not because he was the most knowledgeable. While his clothes don’t necessarily look expensive, you slowly realize he is an extremely wealthy person and you have no idea how he got all that money. He performs stand-up comedy on weekends and offers extra credit to anyone who goes to one of his shows. (6/10)
- Zhang – His office hours are somewhat chaotic but he works really hard to make sure you understand the assignments. That being said, all grades are final and he does not accept late submissions so you better stay on top of things. He’s only a year away from getting tenure and it would be a real tragedy if something were to happen… (8/10)
- Jaxx – Wait, they’re not a student? (5/10)
- Mac – Always prepared for class and incredibly helpful. He wants you to succeed and understands that sometimes life gets in the way of deadlines. He is the professor you learn the most from beyond academic testing material.
But despite the fact that he is the most level-headed faculty member, you find out he is also long-time friends with Jason Statham. This confuses you. On the plus side, he has no qualms with sharing info on his friend’s private life. He confirms the Face/Off theory. (10/10)
- The Wall – The Wall is the kind of professor that’s fun but definitely straddles the line between professionalism and a little too familiar with the students. On more than one occasion he invited everyone to a bar after class. Technically harmless, and he seems super cool at the time, but a few years after graduation you begin to question some of his behavior. (4/10)
- DJ – You get the sense that he’s only been teaching for a few years. He’s really passionate and informative, but also really really bad at answering your emails. He promises he’ll get to it, but never does. Constantly calling the campus IT department to help with the projector. (6/10)
- Heller – Guaranteed to have the lowest score on ratemyprofessors.com. But later you find out it was because of some kind of feud between him and another teacher. He’s still tough, but surprisingly more understanding than you anticipated. (5/10)
- Lori – Gets arrested halfway through the semester. But it was for some kind of social justice cause, so you can’t really be mad. (7/10)
- Meiying – She cannot be a college professor because she is eight years old. But she probably still knows more than most of your classmates. (6/10)
- Toshi – Toshi is the professor who sends out a friendly introductory email a few weeks before the semester starts. But on the first day of class you find that he’s been permanently replaced with a substitute. You never get a clear answer as to why but, considering that upcoming Australian scuba-diving trip he mentioned in his email, you can connect the dots… (4/10)
Rating: Just Keep Swimming
Date: April 28, 2020